Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.

Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.

deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring

TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe

9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.

Me: Make me look good.

9: FINE. I’ll write something else.

If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.

My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .

ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.

i did the math

Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.

I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.

Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.

bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater

*kid finds Easter Basket

Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?

“What else you get?!”

A lasagna recipe..

“Great make dinner”

[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck

How to tell if your wife is mad at you

1. She is

Shoutout to professions in fantasy stories that have ominous, threatening, badass names.
To hell with job like fighter or thief. You’re a HELLBLADE. What does that mean? Duh. It means you blade hells. If there is a hell, you will blade it. They will never understand your work

Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.

When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.

Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.

Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.

To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.

Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out

When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.

Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.

Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?

Me: no honey.

Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.

Me: yes but he has legs.

Daughter: Ariel has legs too.

[later]

Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?

Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.

You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”

Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.

CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.