*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
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The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
me: do you think he’ll ever walk again
wife: [recording baby’s first steps] yes
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
*reading a bedtime story to kids in the 1800s*
little miss muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds & whey when all of a sudden robert ford shot jesse james in the back as he was hanging a picture, suddenly making interior decorating one of the most dangerous jobs in america
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.