Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

detective: when did this happen.

edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.

detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.

Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool

*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence

9: Yummm! What’s that smell?

Me: Cereal

When in doubt…

1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.

Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.

If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.

Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.

*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao

Six Flags: *opens first theme park

Five Flags: We should have seen this coming

I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.

No thanks, guy selling ribeyes from a box truck in the mall parking lot. I learned my lesson from the “Shrimp purchased from the trunk of a Corolla parked on the side of the road” incident of 1997.

Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes

I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…

I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.

wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen

To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:

That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic

911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.

Me: I WASNT READY

Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good

A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.

Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.

Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.

The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.

I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.

Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.

My boss called in sick of me

My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.

My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.

What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.

If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.

The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair