Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it

A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.

me: truth or dare

government: truth

me: is Wyoming real

government: dare

My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life

I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.

Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired

Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.

Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.

Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.

Me:

Rey: Look. I still have two hands.

I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.

i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane

Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.

*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*

Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.

there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps

Women are scary.

Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.

To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !

I purposely overcook my holiday turkeys so I don’t have to hear anyone at the table say, “moist.”

[the first couples argument]

Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.

Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.

the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling

What’s the matter, babe? You’ve barely touched your spaghetti cube.

We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.

I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.

Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!

Also family: Have a baby 🙂

If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors

going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything

I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible

I’m half potato on my dad’s side

New mindset, who dis?

I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there

Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…

Me: That IS self control

Dietician: how?

Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut