Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.

My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.

Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there

my mom decorated the apartments for the cats

I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.

When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.

Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).

When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime

“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire

Ideas for getting more exercise:

– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle

Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,

“I’m hungry”

when they ask you if you have anything to declare.

everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no

It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.

I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.

Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25

TOTAL: $76.42

My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.

slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.

My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?

Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*

Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!

I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.

going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters

My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.

Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!

“Dad, where do babies come from?”

“Walmart.”

My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.

[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.

A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.

[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.