Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
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I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Me: I’ve always wanted to stare at someone from across the street then disappear when a bus passes
Interviewer: I meant more like “professional goals”
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
A “birthday card” from my 8 y/o…
Hallmark, you hiring?
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
I was introduced to a baby recently by her parents; the mother told me “she doesn’t do anything, or know anything”
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”