Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*

Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*

Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*

Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.

Also kids: ALREADY?!?

Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.

Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.

*People do special things for my birthday*

Me: Oh thank God.

I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,

disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?

disciple 2: his dad owns the company

me: *nauseated from eating too much*

also me: did you say cake?

Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies

“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”

THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.

I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it

Made some terrible life choices the last few years.

Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.

Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.

[first day as a genetic scientist]

co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves

me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno

You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..

*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube

*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*

Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!

Me: Thanks, you too

Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.

Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?

When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.

I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.

WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you

Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.

soft launching your call out the next day by telling everyone at work your stomach feels a little weird

anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///

Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.

Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…

Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.

Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing

911: what’s your emergency?

me: there’s a really loud fight next door

911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun

me: omg thank you

Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.

“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words