glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
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Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Worth the read.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
We must all do our part for the planet. The other day I unplugged a row of electric cars nobody was using.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok