Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you

ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator

A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice

Me: Why do you love me?

Wife: *shrugs*

Me: Why do you find me annoying?

Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*

This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.

Pretty ironic if you ask me.

I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.

After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.

Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.

Blocking someone isn’t enough; I want them to step in water with their socks on.

me: like taking candy from a-

giant baby: no no, please go on

If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk

Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.

Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.

COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.

We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice

I’m not a superstitious person but I will never say “bloody Mary” 3 times in front of a mirror. I’m not chancing that shit

[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that

Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space

Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.

ME: I’ve been depressed lately

DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability

ME: what

DOCTOR: what

My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened

What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat

What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!

Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father

[in bed]

her: u have done this before, right?

me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey

her: what?

me: what?

God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game

I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.

“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers

It’s cool, I don’t know why I’m still talking either.

My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots

I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.

I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE

Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.

when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1