Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.

Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.

Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that

*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle

waiter: what would you like for breakfast?

me: toast

waiter: that’s weird but ok

[taps glass with fork]

waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends

Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.

“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.

My mom called me and told me how much she likes watching Snoop Dogg at the Olympics and I had to remind her that she grounded me for buying his CD once

If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.

I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.

[Traffic Stop]

Cop: Sir, please step out of the car

Me: But you said…

Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.

For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved

Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.

cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”

my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”

So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN

I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.

If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.

R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)

Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low

ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard

HER: what mask

ME: oh

I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.

[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal

My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.

Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏

I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT

Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.

If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.

Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?

5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand

[Being Tortured]

Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?

Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee

Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant