[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
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I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Her: How were the joggers I got you for your birthday?
Dracula: Delicious
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
I told my vodka about you.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
…& against the advice of everyone in the drum circle greg unsealed the pack of natural hemp paper & rolled the 7th blunt, summoning the four hippies of the hackey sackolypse
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.