[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
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[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
Guess for Halloween my 6yo is going as an Amazon package that was supposed to arrive last week
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks