Glasses
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I just post them. I don’t explain them.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Doctor: You have a disease
Me: Oh no!
Doctor: You can cure it with diet and exercise
Me: Oh no!
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
Me too 😆
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
My dream car is a taco truck.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Growing up was a huge mistake
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
I’m only drinking a lot of beer tonight because I need the room in the fridge.
if you sweat while you eat it should count as a workout
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
Why is my body betraying me, I give it as much strawberry quik and cookies as it wants
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”