Glasses
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Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
I like when people name their kids after the state they were conceived in. Might do the same and name my next kid Crippling Anxiety
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*