Glasses
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ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*