Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.

Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”

6:*writing thank you card* But, um..

Me: Write it!

Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not

Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.

– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_

– MILKMAN!!

– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”

Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*

Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*

[murderer hunting me in the forest]

me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*

When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?

Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.

interviewer: why do you want this job?

me: i’m a job guy. love jobs

*seduces you by wearing a sundress

*ruins it by running in flip flops

I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.

Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*

nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.

just had an email from my barber saying that his shop is back open and offering ‘one to one appointments’, which implies the existence of the somewhat terrifying ‘group haircut’

I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.

So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.

[blind date]

HER: I’m a big dog person

ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford

Marked safe from having the gene that causes people to maniacally clean their house when they find out that someone is coming over to visit. I cannot say the same is true for my wife.

If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker

[Police Line up]

Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off

Me:

My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.

This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.

My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?

Follow people around the park while carrying 10 rubber chickens. There’s no law that says you can’t.

My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.

The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.

I challenged him to a rap battle.

I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.

My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.

This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.

Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”

Me: “No thank you.”

Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”

Me: “I’m in.”