Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.

– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?

Raisins are grape jerky.

I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.

me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–

detective: okay I got the picture

me: oh wow that was really fast

Interviewer: “so what would you bring to our firm that others may not offer?”
Me: *seductively slides a kazoo across the desk

WHY would you be happy about this?

I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.

[Oregon Trail 1852]

Doctor: Any final words?

Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.

Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices

Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat

me, naked wearing a hospital gown: should the opening be in the front?

dentist: ma’am that’s not necessary for a cavity filling

I just want an internship man

I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.

Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!

Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?

Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.

Me: is it ok if we have sex right now

Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking

Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree

Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman

I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.

I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.

Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.

“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.

Tip for twitter newbies:

Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.

Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably

I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.

you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames

Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”

Today I gave my friend an apple, but she told me she prefers pears.
So I gave her another apple.

#jokeoftheday #funny #jokes

The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”

I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.

We are going to watch tv.

[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please

batman: i caught the penguin

judge: bail is set for $0

batman: isn’t he a flight risk?

judge:

batman: oh right