*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*

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If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.


[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous



Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked

“Why are you naked?”



*tear runs down cheek

“Why are all these people dead on the inside?”

“Sir, this is a morgue.”


me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours


U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…


If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is


Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die


I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot