*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
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Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔