Glen Powell is short for Gleneth Powelltrow
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Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
Children of the Corn Man
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: out of my way, i’m on season 7 of house
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
HR: Can you explain why your drug test shows incredibly high levels of THC?
Me: Tennessee Hot Chicken? Yeah, I eat that every time I get high.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?