Glen Powell is short for Gleneth Powelltrow
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If you drink a lot of water, you won’t have time for other people’s drama because you’ll be too busy looking for a bathroom.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
🤣🤣💀
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
Coughing so much that next doors dog has started barking back at me. Best conversation all day
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
want me to check your oil?
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
It’s awesome when people honk at you for not moving when you’re letting people cross. You’re right bro I should just annihilate this family of four
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Why is it called “owl city” if there’s 10 million fireflies and no owls. should be called firefladelphia.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
me to God
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”