Glen Powell is short for Gleneth Powelltrow
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I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
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War & Peace
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the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
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Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
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Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
What rhymes with ‘riddance’? I need to get this Bereavement card perfect.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
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