Glen Powell is short for Gleneth Powelltrow
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My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Horror movies have ruined the joy of skinnydipping for me 🙁
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”