Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
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You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
sensitive skin
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids