Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sprains wrist doing sports

“MY NACHO HAND!”

‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’

~Jason Voorhees, in therapy

10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex

[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”

Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?

I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.

Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.

~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021

(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not

Househunters, but for birds

Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.

Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops

Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick

Omg like wtf
-me, praying

when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans

Ordering from Amazon is so easy, and they have all my favorite brands like Wealurre, MAXIFFE, GVY, SUNNOW, EHEYCIGA and Trendy Queen.

It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.

Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.

Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.

Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?

If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.

Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana

[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*

Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.

Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?

Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work

Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza

Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?

4: I was hungry

Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?

4: because there was pizza

One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it

The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.

Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.

“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.

I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.

INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.

PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours

Sloth: Uh oh

Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.