Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.

I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.

Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?

All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.

Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’

Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!

The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.

Me: I need to get my shit together

My shit: not today, girl, not today

liiiiiiiiike

You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you

ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies

GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes

ME: Put Ratatouille on

always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?

[a person with cold hands]

DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE

[a dog with cold paws]

POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT

Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower

Guy: But-

Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave

Guy: *Drives away*

Woverine: Oh no you didnt!

Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.

guy: you wanna take this outside?

me: yeah, let’s do this

[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]

I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.

It’s so cold that men who wear shorts outside in the winter are wearing TWO pairs of shorts

Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.

Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies

How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?

Some people age like wine, others age like milk.

Guys it is ofc possible that I have misunderstood but I have just been told that the hotel I’m staying at for work offers ‘free 24 hour cheese’

welcome mats are just gateway rugs

EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS

Please don’t say you have wasted 365 days of 2024. You actually wasted 366 days. 2024 was a fucking leap year bro

my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery

There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.

Let me show you what this mouth can do..

[eats a cheeseburger]

Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs

Judge: And that you killed a man

Me: put a gun against his head

Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead

Judge: mama