Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T H

C R E

O D

W

I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.

In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.

I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?

Ghost: GET OUT

Me: Or what?

Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder

I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair

This encourages me to spend less time in it

DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?

ME: Mostly cholesterol.

Wife: “Bad day?”

Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”

Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”

[date]

Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…

*hands her paper*

Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.

Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.

I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.

[insect crime scene]

ant detective: do you have any suspects?

ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick

Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me

Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?

Me: no idea.

Daughter: a Dinosnore : )

Me: [sniff].

Daughter: are you crying?

Me: I’m just so proud of you.

Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.

Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”

[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]

Me: who do we eat first

[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly

BOSS: Can I see you in my office?

INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you

even bears disappoint their mothers

That time a cat set off an atomic bomb in my coffee

me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment

gf: orchids

me: whoa we should get married first

I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.

me at the job i begged god for

“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello

I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.

Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.

Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!

RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on

just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress

Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again