Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[drive thru window]

toddler: can I say hi?

me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*

toddler: two milkshakes please

It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.

For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.

That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign

The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.

[Dinosaur Rap Battle]

We’re gonna win this for sure!

“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”

WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen

I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.

Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.

I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.

They’re all grounded.

[zombie wedding]

Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*

I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.

I’m never using self-checkout again.

Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.

Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?

If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.

Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.

I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.

Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.

Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?

Me: you butter believe it : )

me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-

Other people on life raft: please stop

[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper

When you “pspspsp” too hard

Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”

[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.

Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.

I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.

The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge

Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad

“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.

[fraud trial]

Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?

Defendant: no– they all actually exist

Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*

hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names

Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.

caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*

the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts

That seems a conundrum…
🤔