Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93

Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way

Quarantine log, Day 8:

Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.

Me: What for? You have plenty of food.

Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.

Me:

Me: You can talk!

Doctor: You have emphysema

Batman: How?

Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations

Batman:

Doctor:

Batman: *throws smoke bomb*

When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.

My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.

Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.

The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.

*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus

in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white

FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.

I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.

I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.

My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.

Did I break my fitbit record? yes

Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes

Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.

I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.

Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.

Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.

For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident

People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?

Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth

One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.

My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.

People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges

BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.

Everyone turns around and stairs at me.

A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.

The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.

I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.