Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
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Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
My last name is Zilla.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
Happy birthday to actor Sam Elliot, who turns 80 today, and to his mustache, who turns 79.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.