Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to

Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.

ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.

CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.

ME: I will take 4 parrots.

BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city

GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?

BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please

“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.

A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig

friend: wish you were here!

me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really

I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.

“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco

What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill

A lambslide

If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug

[ autumn, 1579 ]

pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!

spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!

susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth

So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*

Nothing happens

My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill

Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!

Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed

Would you wear it?

5-year-old: Why are we here?

Me: Philosophers still don’t know

5: No, why are we HERE

Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions

It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.

I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.

Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.

Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?

me: we need to go to the ATM machine

thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot

me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine

“Twister 3” should be told from a cow’s POV.

After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.

starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks

I think Neptune can hear the YouTube video my son is watching.

channeling her this year

Saw a praying mantis fighting my cat like some kinda warrior. I swear he was even swinging a stick, I don’t know maybe it was his arm.

Given the memory span of a goldfish…