Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
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The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
wife yelling down to basement: you guys aren’t trying to contact spirits down there are ya??
me coughing bc I sat too close to the burning sage: we’re playing poker
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.