Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*

I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.

Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.

Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!

Him: …

Me: …

Him: …

Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-

Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside

Brain: eat that entire pizza

Stomach: please don’t

Me: *eats pizza*

Stomach: i hurt so much

Me: i feel sick

Brain: eat that dessert

Me: okay

Stomach: oh my god

Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!

remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate

Sucks in stomach. Another chin pops out.

I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.

Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”

i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”

Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.

Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”

I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”

It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.

Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?

Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.

11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?

Me: no more YouTube before bed.

You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.

We made a comic about a space heater.

I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”

“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”

What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”

I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate

How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha

why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*

The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.

Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”

-me, walking into the kitchen

the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person

me: my car makes a funny noise

mechanic: that’s the horn

God: ok u can make one human that’s it

Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald

[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?

Would make a brilliant taxi driver