glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
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Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Maybe the reason violence never solves anything is cuz theres never enough of it, you dont know.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Hey babe, are you my 47th open browser tab, because you are not responding
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
Do you think people who play for the philharmonic say “today I woke up and chose violins” because if they don’t they totally should
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when