glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
You Might Also Like
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
HR said no more nunchucks.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
My teen is asking for noise-cancelling headphones like I’m going to give him the gift of ignoring me better
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Me: Donates my body to science
Science: Donates my body to Goodwill
Goodwill: Revives me and tells me to get out of their damn store
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.