glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
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Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
When we’re young we are told that we should trust our elders but my dad used to tell me that there’s a breed of fish that only swims backwards because they want to keep their eyes from getting wet so…
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.