Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.

[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama

[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family

Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?

[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*

Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.

Me: *poops all over windshield*

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When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply

[day after the beast’s household got turned back into people]
beauty:

beast:

beauty:

beast:

beauty: …so we just don’t have cups now?

Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…

It was the bathroom…but still…

Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”

Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs

HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.

The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.

All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.

[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”

Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena

Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?

9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.

Me: ok..

9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma

Me: ok so

9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something

[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all

Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.

A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.

Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do

I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.

Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.

Me: You just sat on my glasses.

Husband: *Stands up* What?

Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?

Falls for it every time.

just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me

Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”

Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”

Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.

[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*

Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes

Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.