*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
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[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
I’m old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?