Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: what book would you take to a deserted island?
Me: idk, “the idiots guide to survival”

I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.

ME: I’m here to repair the gate

ST. PETER: No you’re not

ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side

[At Vision Center]

Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?

Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.

200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass

The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.

my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…

So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.

Me: how was school?

Son: I cried today.

Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.

Son: and I peed on my teacher.

Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.

Wife: stop.

When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.

Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?

LOL

Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.

There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.

my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.

Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.

Everybody okay?

I’m looking for a documentary on small rivers. Does anyone know a good streaming service?

Hug your kids as often as possible.

They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock

Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.

*Slams suitcase shut*

Me: Case closed.

Judge: Stop doing that.

I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.

I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me

i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly

WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny

[later]

THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay

Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.

6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?

*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.

When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”

You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.

I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot