Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪

For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman

‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.

these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]

DR: your IQ test results are abysmal

ME: is… is that good?

Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.

But science tells us otherwise.

#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.

My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.

I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.

I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.

What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir

[meeting girlfriend at the park]

Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!

Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.

(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.

Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.

Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street

If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.

“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus

Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.

My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.

Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two

There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.

It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”

*tries on a gas mask*

Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.

More like Kate Missington.

Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..

JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees

[aliens invading our home]

Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED

at ease…shoulder.

Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.

Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”

Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!

Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)

Hubs: Never mind

Me: Smart move