Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”

Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.

I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory

me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.

None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.

When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.

Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?

Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”

woman in my gym locker room has multiple containers of fresh chinese takeout spread out on the bench and is just happily munching away

Alexa play Metallica…

Alexa play Metallica…

Alexa play Metallica…

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music

Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…

Me: I’m in tears

Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??

My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night

My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.

Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.

Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in

Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.

Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste

I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.

If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out

I thought Hogwarts was in Orlando and that’s why they have those accents.

[halloween]

ME: nice costume. casanova?

HIM: guy fawkes

ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does

Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this

[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons

I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”

I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.

No one:

My 3yo: I’m going to go sit on the baby!

Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.

Most googled search terms today

Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?

After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?

It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.

Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.