Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
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Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
Thinking about that time when I was young and crank called an operator and she called me back because she was an operator.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.