Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”

husband: you need to stop buying so much cheese for our guests

me: yes…for our guests

I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.

Thinking about that time when I was young and crank called an operator and she called me back because she was an operator.

Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.

When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.

One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police

Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.

My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.

If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!

The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.

Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.

– No child ever.

Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.

first date idea we go to marriage counseling

haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in

I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life

My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.

Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house

me: make me the coolest guy

genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u

me: son of a

If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.

me: you said you were going to clean your room

5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise

me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”

5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it

Pescaterian: eats fish

Pestcaterian: eats insects

Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character

[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”

Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would

Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet

don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather

Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?

Human: we are an advanced species

A: how do you travel?

H: we light old dinosaurs on fire

what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet

So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978

You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!

goldfish mafia