Glorious 12/27 to those who celebrate.
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Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
when you order from DoorDastardly
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
kevin is now a local weatherman
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.