Glorious 12/27 to those who celebrate.
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‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Jogging
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
#math
biblically accurate fire hydrant
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Headlines With Threatening Auras.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.