Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?

Just in case to be clear #gbbo

There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.

No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.

[god creating jellyfish]

how bout an evil bag

I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.

I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

I feel so good when I drink enough water. Not like, physically. I just feel like I’m better than everyone else

if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams

Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.

I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.

Life is like a box of chocolates. More expensive than I was expecting.

*unhooking milker from my gorilla*

wife: still no glue?

Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?

Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…

Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree

Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.

just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat

I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.

Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.

I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.

I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.

I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.

My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.

As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.

I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.

My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.

I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

#HatDadJoke

If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?

Now security is showing me out.