glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
You Might Also Like
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
The concept of warding off vampires with crosses is so interesting to me. I wonder if it applies to any other religion or if they’re allergic to just catholicism
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
cats have been bothering their humans since the dawn of time
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
they should invent a customer service center that isnt currently experiencing higher than normal call volume
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too