Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel

[interview]

“Any special talents?”

I can unlock any fingerprint reader

“By hacking?”

[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes

[Me as a Realtor]

BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted

The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings

In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.

I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.

My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.

It’s a gift

Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever

General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet

I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals

Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.

Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment

Livid.

Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do

Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.

breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco

When can I start eating bats again.

taylor swift should write a song about people who don’t return their shopping carts to the corrals

5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop

this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same

It’s interesting that the emojis show the earth from three angles 🌎 🌍 🌏 but not the fourth.

Though 🔵 is a fair approximation of what it would look like.

People underestimate the Pacific.

Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.

I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”

October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.

me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.

judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.

me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.

Plumber: you have hard water.

Me: you mean like ice?

Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.

Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?

Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?

Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.

Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.