Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
So rude to come up with solutions to my excuses
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
do you think crabs are self-conscious about walking sideways everywhere or do they think everyone else has the problem
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
a designated hitter in baseball is the one who has to hit for everyone in case the team is drunk
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
