Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
step 6: release the wall snake
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.