Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.

PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000

ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!

*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*

I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.

One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm

cooking with glasses on is so humiliating…why did i just get blinded by steam

Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.

Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.

“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter

*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby

husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking

My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size

If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.

someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything

My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.

The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.

[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day

one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy

“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”

I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!

PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET

I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks

The fact that homeowners
associations exist is wild to me. You buy an entire house and some lady a couple doors down can tell you that you’re not allowed to display your antique frog statue and you have to pay a fine? insane.

BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal

That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman

LEGAL TIP

Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”

This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍

4: I need my princess dress NOW!

Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!

4: Who are you talking to?

Me: Your servants

4: I don’t have servants

Me: Exactly

ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?

DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle

The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra

Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.

Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart

call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today