Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”

The manager of this gym is looking at me like he’s never seen someone sit on weight bench to finish their hash-browns.

I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.

*unscrews green bulb from porch light*

Ok, I’m done.

Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things

Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???

me: what’s your sign?

chef: spisces

“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:

*At the couch store

“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”

[In Bar]

Friend: Your fly is down

Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce

*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*

Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.

A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.

*Scrolls TL*

Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!

*sips juicebox*

Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.

nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black

i can’t wait that long

David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.

using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me

I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.

Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!

a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen

I falcon love using swear birds

Who called it baking and not making love

I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.

If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.

Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.

Trying to explain that I’m fascinated by Japan for wood joinery reasons and not nerd or pervert reasons.

[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL

First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with Friends

Him:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*

Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned