Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
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Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Get lost in the experience, not the park.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
Yup!
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
“Hi, I’m trying to find a book to read and I don’t know where to start.”
“Well, let’s narrow it down a little. Do you want fiction?”
“No, I don’t really like fiction.”
“Non-fiction, then.”
“No, not that either.”
“Okay…”
“Does that narrow it down?”
“Like you wouldn’t believe.”
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
A Pun enters a room and kills 10 people…
Pun in, ten dead
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?