Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.

Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.

why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles

In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.

yeah…. right…

Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that

While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!

“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.

[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.

Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.

Introverts: Praise Jesus!

Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.

I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge

My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone

Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.

*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”

Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?

All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.

No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.

I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.

Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.

Wife: Who gets the raptors?

PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET

All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.

I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say

Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?

It was about a week back…

(Slaps knee!)

Murderers are so stupid. Stop writing manifestos you idiots.

Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.

[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happened

bad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK

passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best

[on a plane]

ME: how much for wine?

ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot

ME: oh right it’s free

*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.

I punch in 70 seconds on my microwave and it corrects me to 1:10. We’re like an old married couple

[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]