Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.

[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s

Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?

Me: Get?

My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me

BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.

Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die

They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.

Nobody ever told me that this was an option.

A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”

The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup

Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out

As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips

Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.

Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.

Deleting contacts from my phone is like getting rid of jeans that I delusionally think I’ll be able to fit again–

–what if I need to call my old Dairy Queen manager from high school about an important life dilemma? What if?!

Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.

Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.

The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”

I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”

Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.

My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol

My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?

snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me

me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—

snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*

Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food

this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*

People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.

GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro

The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.

I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today

CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.

TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.

I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.

I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.