Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall

When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee

Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!

OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.

– My clothes.

I was in the first Top Gun movie.

I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.

5: can i play the wii?

me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?

5:

me:

5: but she’s still sleeping!!

me: i don’t want to die today.

I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.

[Giving directions in America]

Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th

[Directions in England]

Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest

As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.

If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.

INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?

ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH

Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?

Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high

Dear toilet paper companies

I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials

well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”

I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?

18 is TOO young to get married!

You can’t even buy booze at 18!

If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?

Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old

5: Dad, can you get me pasta?

Me: Ah, we don’t have any.

5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.

My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.

I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby

[Orange Juice on tinder]

TINDER: “You have a match!

Orange juice: “Oh great!”

TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”

Orange juice: “Oh no.”

WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you

WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.

SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.

I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.

The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.

*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top

*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”

i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck

*First bite of pancakes

“This is the greatest food ever!”

*Last bite of pancakes

“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”

People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.