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[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
Why is peter pan always flying?
He neverlands.
I like this joke because it never grows old.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat