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I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Smile they said.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
pain
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
me: you guys sell gift cards?
funeral parlor director: what?
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?