GM✌🏻
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Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
Today and my dermatologist husband stopped a European man buying sunscreen, saying “I’m not trying to be weird, but that is not the sunscreen for you. I’m a dermatologist.” This man ended up picking out what husband recommended and said “you have great skin so I must trust you.”
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants