GM✌🏻
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The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
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him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
A fun thing for an author to do would be to have the last line of the book be something like “he said, in his Jamaican accent, which he’d had this whole time.” Make the audiobook narrator have to start the whole thing over.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
So why is it that when Star Trek ‘boldly go where no one has gone before’ they always find someone there?
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.