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I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
i’m sure this is part of an ad campaign or whatever, but out of context i thought shaq was having a psychotic break
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
a lot to unpack here
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.