GM✌🏻
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ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.