GM✌🏻
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An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
I highly recommend a battery-powered lawnmower if you enjoy swearing at yard equipment.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
10:03pm
Wife: Honey, can you put away the left over chicken before you come to bed?Me: Sure.
11:09pm
Me, eating the last of the chicken: I feel like I’m forgetting something.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”