GM✌🏻
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Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Pumpkin spice season comes earlier every year and yet some still deny climate change.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?