Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them

Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)

Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”

genius

LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes

Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes

I hate when people say “Bite me” and then act all surprised…..

Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.

I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race

HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.

1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED

I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.

Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.

So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?

My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family

Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.

-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September

My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.

“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?

I hope Usain is training his daughter. Can’t let a name like Olympia Lightning Bolt go to waste, sorry

Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen

Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO

If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.

You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral

me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again

I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.

Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–

Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.

[anniversary text]

H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.

M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?

Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.

[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker

I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.

someone dropped a taco in front of my dog last night and he dove after it like he was a secret service agent tackling a potential threat