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People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
Heads up guys. It’s bloody Colin again. #DamnYouAutocorrect
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Don’t talk down to me
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
mcdonalds should have a completely soft meal you can eat while sneaking past guards
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”