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I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Filling my pez dispenser with ibuprofen for whimsical pain relief
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
“i really need a vacation”
-your friend who’s been on 10+ trips this year
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.