Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
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*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
If I could have lunch with anyone, alive or dead, I would choose alive, because dead people won’t pass the f***ing salt.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.