Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
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Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”