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I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
