Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!

Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.

[at wedding]

Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace

Me (raises hand)

Pastor: It’s your wedding

Me (lowers hand)

[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*

[packing for work trip]

“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”

A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.

i got lost and locked in a stairwell at the NYC office and all i can think about is this meme while i wait for someone to save me

I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!

“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary

Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes

I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.

Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.

Political ads be like: send us money so we can send you more ads

I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.

My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”

I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.

we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now

You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.

Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.

[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]

her: *glares*

me: you’re late

I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.

People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.

Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.

the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE

I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.

I rate it one star..

“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.

Friend: I’m gonna’ drop by.
Me: Sorry, my house is in the shop right now.

If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?

Yoga pants.

“I’d do okay in prison,” I say, absently wiping down the lid of a soup can because a rat may have scampered across it somewhere in the supply chain

Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”