Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
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I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
incredible
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Playing Silent Hill and honestly there’s a fair amount of noise in this game.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
#gardening
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Happy return of “yes of course it’s bedtime see how dark it is outside” to all parents who celebrate
Why the hell does that hurt now?
Me, waking up every morning.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
this was the best i’ve ever seen
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
It’s the ORDER of mankind’s accomplishments that fascinate me. In 1969, we put men on the moon. In 1970, we put wheels on luggage.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
I wish I had the confidence of this kitten who jumps up the same wall everyday thinking it’s gonna stick to it like Spider-Man