Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
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*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Which demographic buys the most barbies?
Australian fathers
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
I’m so single even my husband won’t match with me on tinder..
The most maddening thing about having a cat is when you can’t find them and start panicking and sweet-talk-hollering for them and shaking the treat box and nearing a panic attack — and they come yawning and stretching out of some nook or cranny like “Wow, you are being so loud.”
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.