Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?

I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.

the best thing i’ve ever made

The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.

Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.

6yo: (raises hand)

Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)

6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?

Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.

Every laptop should have a “cat” button that disables the keyboard so they can nap

*swallows pride*

*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*

me: help i’m being murdered

911: sounds like you’re tattling

me: what

murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling

welp

[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive

[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.

imagine you get to the gates of heaven and they make you download an app to go in

Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.

i tried to clean up my chrome tabs but it turns out all 200 of them contain information that is vital for my survival

Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you

Teach your children to beatbox

“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”

OMG 🤣🤣

Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.

Me: Hi guys!

Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!

I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.

*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck

Listen, if a woolly mammoth can be “perfectly preserved” for millennia, I’m sure this five year old meat in the back of the freezer is just fine.

Pete: I’m Pete

Peter: I’m Peter

Me, competitive: I’m Petest

Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.

I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.

Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”

Cyclops: Wow

The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.

I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam