Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.

If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach

Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.

OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?

WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills

OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died

WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same

*holding a hose*

Husband: What are you doing?

Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.

Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?

Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.

My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.

I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.

Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave

When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago

ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”

ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”

DOG 911: what’s your emer-

DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING

DOG 911: so?

DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?

[Lou Bega voice]

One, two, three four

[Proclaimers voice]

five hundred miles

Show yourself some self-love.

No. Not in public.

My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig

My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.

[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”

5, 6, 7, 8 is the LMNOP of the numbers

[1st person to try jogging]

Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?

Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.

Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!

DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer

BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise

Playing Silent Hill and honestly there’s a fair amount of noise in this game.

Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!

Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.

major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already

“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.

[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we

No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.

What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?

One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.