Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:

5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!

Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.

children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat

My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.

I think this means he wants me to talk to him.

[God making African animals]

Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.

Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie

*takes guests to the grocery store*

*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*

Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?

Me: Revenge.

Dad at the park told me he thinks the age gap between my kids was a bad idea and seemed too hard. He says the age gap between his kids was better. Very helpful thank you!

“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*

Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?

Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.

No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.

-kids

Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.

Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.

The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order

Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.

my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt

me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger

him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band

The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.

She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups

Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive

The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.

FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg

You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.

in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents

I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.

Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone

Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.

AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat

BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*

Gave myself a steam facial* today

*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face

Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.

I know that now…

Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.