Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
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when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
The two types of wives
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
The glockness monster
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
this chia pet tastes awful
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Before I work on myself, does anyone like me unhinged
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
It’s Friday the 13th and there’s a dude outside my door wearing a hockey mask but he’s also selling Girl Scout Cookies, so you see the problem
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
They’re on their honeymoon
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.