GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
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My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
I just invented the world’s fastest escalator.
I call it the “escanow.”
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Sorry I’m a week late. Had to scroll back to my birth year.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Me: Did you clean your room?
Child: Yes.
Me: Let me rephrase. Is your room clean?
Child: No.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
getting groceries
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
The walk of shame takes on a whole new level when it’s the morning after a Halloween party and you’re dressed as a Ninja Turtle.