GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
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Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
The girl I’m babysitting doesn’t know that for tonight I’m allowed to let her watch as many Bluey episodes as she wants so she keeps asking for “one more.” And I get to be a benevolent god who gives her another. It’s a real thrill for both of us.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
I don’t know why these ingrates at the corn maze are so upset. All I did was lead them to safety with these two hands and a machete.
For anyone who needs this today
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*