GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
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All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
– For this evening’s dessert, Hercule Poirot will drone on and on about something until you emit a loud shriek.
– Ooh, Belgian waffles and I scream!
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
me: i had an accident
insurance agent: sir, we don’t insure pants
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
Second person to try hang gliding: Wow thanks for letting me be the first person to try this
Inventor: Suuure
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
Eating nothing but bacon for my keto diet because I wanna be thin in time for my heart attack
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.