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[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
I refuse to be controlled by a calendar so happy birthday to me today
The legends speak of a third Duran…
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.