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At the beginning of the week our boss told us to not talk this week because ownership was visiting which is insane but today I learned there was an office pool to see how long before I yapped and it was over $500 I’m reporting the winner to the IRS
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but the worst thing you can do when you notice your kids are playing nicely together is telling them that you like how they’re playing nicely together.
I need to know the brand of toothbrush my neighbor has. I hear it buzzing sometimes an hour at a time and she’s clearly enjoying it
