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*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
When a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. She will love that.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
3 yr old: “At my next birthday will I go back to normal? Will I get littler again?”
Me: “no honey. Each birthday you get bigger. You’ll continue to grow. Isn’t that cool?!”
3 yr old: starts sobbing.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
I have taken to screwing with scam texts. It is my only joy during a dark period.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be