GM✌🏻
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In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash